The Belladonna Comedy

Rejected Lines from That "Stand Up to Hate" Super Bowl Commercial

The House Guest's Creed

Why Does Everyone Assume I'm a Republican Just Because I Have an Enormous Eagle Painted on the Hood of My Truck?(Top 5 Most Read Pieces of the Month)

I'm Your "Temperate" Climate and I Refuse to Give You Mild Temperatures

Thanks for Stopping to Chat. I'll Just Pretend You're Not Holding a Bag of Shit.

"Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp)": 2024 Edition (Top 5 Most Read Pieces of the Month)

I Don't Mind Women in the Gym's Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men (3rd Most Read Piece of the Year)

Maligning This Celebrity's Significant Other Online Is the Surest Way to His Heart

Frazzled

We Are Now Accepting Applications for Our Unborn Child's Godparents

I Don't Like the Women I Date to Have Kids, Even Though I Have Kids Too

At Teen Drama TV High School, We Do Learning a Little Differently

12 Days of December: A School Volunteering Lament

What Do You Mean I Can't Bring My Toddler to Your Adults-Only Resort?

Unlike My Parents, I Won't Burden My Kids by Aging

Modern Horror Movies Rewritten by Parents

I'm the Parent of the Class Troublemaker. How About a Play Date?

I'm a Regular Guy Who's Sick of Being Villainized for My Secret Second Family

American Psycho Toddler: A Day in the Life

Your Child Was Absent and Hasn't Turned in an Excuse Note Yet. Don't Make Us Get Rough with You.

Word Problems for Vacationing with Kids

I'd Like to Discuss My Child Specifically While You're Trying to Address a Group of People

How to Overthink a Kid's Birthday Party in 21 Easy Steps

Let the Battle of Day Camp Registration Commence!

Sleepover Hosting FAQ: Millennial Edition

Jane Austen's Wastebasket

Bad Things That Will Happen If I Don't Clear This 1/8 Inch of Snow with My Blower Before Doing Literally Anything Else

Santa Responds to the Singer of "Santa Baby"

Fantasy Novel Titles Inspired by Everyday Life

I Will Die in This Starbucks Drive-Thru Before I Stoop to Going Inside

I'm the Flosser That's Always in the Parking Lot and I Don't Know What You're Doing Here, Either

Help Us Find (But More Importantly, Do Not Approach) Our Missing Dog

I Am a Boomer's Lawn and You Will Bow Before My Superiority

I'm a Door-to-Door Salesman on a Segway and I Know You're Stoked I'm Here

Had Enough of the Disney Parks? Then Visit Don Bluth Land!

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Reminder From Your Gym: Women's Navels Should Remain Covered

MuddyUm

This Brazilian Bikini Wax May (or May Not) Cause Some Pain

There's Nothing More Pathetic Than a Young Woman Trying to Look Older

I'm Satan, and Getting Trump Elected Just Didn't Give Me the Same Dopamine Rush This Time

I Drive Just Over the Speed Limit Unless I Need to Follow You

Trump's Team Explains What He Means by Saying Taylor Swift "Will Pay" for Endorsing Kamala

J.D. Vance's Least Favorite Movies and TV Shows

Classic Novels Retitled and Edited to Encourage More Right-Wing Readers

"The College Kids Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy

Future Career Options for Your Daughters, According to Harrison Butker

Rejected Met Gala Themes

McSweeney's

Quotes from Famous Romance Films Rewritten for the First Weeks of Trump's Second Term

I'm "Flexible Instruction Day," Formerly Known as "Snow Day"

Points in Case

My Shameless Piece of Oscar Bait Failed and It's Not Fair

Weekly Humorist

Like My Work? Buy Me a Coffee (Shop)!

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You, It's The Purge: Voter Rolls

More Acronyms Inspired by the Terms MILF and DILF

Welcome to Patrick Bateman's YouTube Channel

At Netflix, We're Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film's All-Beverage Cast

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Holiday Songs Updated for the 21st Century

Slackjaw

Quiz: Guess the 80's Movie Based on the Disastrous Role-Playing Scenario It Inspired

Quotes From Little Tots Learning Center, A Film by Martin Scorsese

What Some People Hear Instead of "Happy Holidays"

The Haven

I'm a Female Character in a Sex Comedy and My Life is a Nightmare

Cheat Sheet for Cleaning and Organizing Your Home, According to Lifestyle Bloggers

An Open Letter to the Mom Who Wore a "We the People... are Pissed Off!" Sweatshirt to the Kids' Taekwondo Belt Test

Woman Instantly Regrets Bringing Her Recently Retired Husband Grocery Shopping

Greener Pastures

Library Receipts You Found That Indicate the Patrons Had Some Shit Going On

Functionally Dead

Another Handout Request From Your Selectively Poor Right-Wing Relative

Robot Butt

What Not to Include in Your Porch Holiday Treat Basket for Delivery Drivers

Little Old Lady Comedy

Things That are Thrilling as a Child But Terrifying as an Adult

Caroline Horwitz writes humor from Pittsburgh. She lives with her husband and kids, who are quickly approaching the age of finding her embarrassing instead of funny.