McSweeney's

I'm "Flexible Instruction Day," Formerly Known as "Snow Day"

Points in Case

My Shameless Piece of Oscar Bait Failed and It's Not Fair

The Belladonna Comedy

Why Does Everyone Assume I'm a Republican Just Because I Have an Enormous Eagle Painted on the Hood of My Truck?

I'm Your "Temperate" Climate and I Refuse to Give You Mild Temperatures

Thanks for Stopping to Chat. I'll Just Pretend You're Not Holding a Bag of Shit.

"Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp)": 2024 Edition (Top 5 Most Read Pieces of the Month)

I Don't Mind Women in the Gym's Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men (Top 5 Most Read Pieces of the Month)

Maligning This Celebrity's Significant Other Online Is the Surest Way to His Heart

Weekly Humorist

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You, It's The Purge: Voter Rolls

More Acronyms Inspired by the Terms MILF and DILF

Welcome to Patrick Bateman's YouTube Channel

At Netflix, We're Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film's All-Beverage Cast

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Holiday Songs Updated for the 21st Century

Jane Austen's Wastebasket

Fantasy Novel Titles Inspired by Everyday Life

I Will Die in This Starbucks Drive-Thru Before I Stoop to Going Inside

Field Guide for Interacting with the Middle-Aged Step-Sibling Who Still Lives with Your Parents

Realistic Responses to Breakup Songs

I'm the Flosser That's Always in the Parking Lot and I Don't Know What You're Doing Here, Either

Help Us Find (But More Importantly, Do Not Approach) Our Missing Dog

I Am a Boomer's Lawn and You Will Bow Before My Superiority

Revisiting Movie and TV Characters Who You Thought Were Mean When You Were a Kid

I'm a Door-to-Door Salesman on a Segway and I Know You're Stoked I'm Here

Had Enough of the Disney Parks? Then Visit Don Bluth Land!

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Reminder From Your Gym: Women's Navels Should Remain Covered

Frazzled

Unlike My Parents, I Won't Burden My Kids by Aging

We Still Need More Volunteers to Help Slay This Year's Trunk-or-Treat

Modern Horror Movies Rewritten by Parents

I'm Your Child's Favorite Shirt and I'm Hanging on by a Thread

I'm the High School Football Game You're Now Obligated to Attend Because You Have a Tween

I'm the Parent of the Class Troublemaker. How About a Play Date?

Welcome to the National Sibling Debates

An Open Letter to the Zebra That Bit My 7-Year-Old at the County Fair

I'm a Regular Guy Who's Sick of Being Villianized for My Secret Second Family

American Psycho Toddler: A Day in the Life

Signs Your Kid Is Sneak-Viewing Non-Family Films When They're Supposed to Be in Bed

Your Child Was Absent and Hasn't Turned in an Excuse Note Yet. Don't Make Us Get Rough with You.

Word Problems for Vacationing with Kids

I'd Like to Discuss My Child Specifically While You're Trying to Address a Group of People

Parents React to Summer Playlist Songs

How to Overthink a Kid's Birthday Party in 21 Easy Steps

Quiz: Glengarry Glen Ross Quote, or What Your Boomer Dad Would've Said if You'd Called and Asked Him to Drop off Something You Forgot at School?

Let the Battle of Day Camp Registration Commence!

Sleepover Hosting FAQ: Millennial Edition

My Kids Taking Song Lyrics Literally

My 10-Year-Old Son's Golden Globes Commentary

Backhanded Compliments I've Received Since Becoming a Mom

MuddyUm

I'm Having Second Thoughts about My Colossal Trump Sign

I Drive Just Over the Speed Limit Unless I Need to Follow You

A Movie Critic Highlights the Most Glaring Inaccuracy of the The Apprentice Film

Trump's Team Explains What He Means by Saying Taylor Swift "Will Pay" for Endorsing Kamala

"A Snoring Lament" By Sabrina Carpenter

J.D. Vance's Least Favorite Movies and TV Shows

Guinea Pigs Make Ideal Pets Because They're So Low-Maintenance When You Go Out of Town!

Classic Novels Retitled and Edited to Encourage More Right-Wing Readers

Diner Scene from Heat or 2024 Presidential Debate?

"The College Kids Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy

Future Career Options for Your Daughters, According to Harrison Butker

Rejected Met Gala Themes

What Your Favorite Flavor of Schnapps in College Says About You

Please Adopt a Dog in Need of a Home! (Provided You Meet These Simple Criteria)

Slackjaw

Quiz: Guess the 80's Movie Based on the Disastrous Role-Playing Scenario It Inspired

Quotes From Little Tots Learning Center, A Film by Martin Scorsese

What Some People Hear Instead of "Happy Holidays"

The Haven

I'm a Female Character in a Sex Comedy and My Life is a Nightmare

78 Percent of Gen Z Believe Anilingus Was Invented By Their Generation

Cheat Sheet for Cleaning and Organizing Your Home, According to Lifestyle Bloggers

An Open Letter to the Mom Who Wore a "We the People... are Pissed Off!" Sweatshirt to the Kids' Taekwondo Belt Test

Woman Instantly Regrets Bringing Her Recently Retired Husband Grocery Shopping

Greener Pastures

Library Receipts You Found That Indicate the Patrons Had Some Shit Going On

Functionally Dead

Another Handout Request From Your Selectively Poor Right-Wing Relative

Robot Butt

What Not to Include in Your Porch Holiday Treat Basket for Delivery Drivers

Little Old Lady Comedy

Things That are Thrilling as a Child But Terrifying as an Adult

Caroline Horwitz writes humor from Pittsburgh. She lives with her husband and kids, who are quickly approaching the age of finding her embarrassing instead of funny.